Panic Sets In

“Worse”.  That’s one way of putting it.  Another thing on my massive to do list, right in between renew passport, open safe deposit box, and paint bathroom, was to schedule as many doctor’s appointments as possible before my health insurance ends along with my job.

First up: Dermatologist.  Moles all in good condition, and cancer free.  Check. “This isn’t so bad” I thought to myself.

Second: Dentist.  That rare treat we all look forward to.  I have had one bothersome tooth for about oh… 4 years, and a deep foreboding dread that it will end up needing a root canal.

It is for this reason that I have trained myself to chew only on the right side of my mouth up until now and basically just tried to ignore the pain.

As much as I hate needles and drills and other people’s hands in my mouth, I need to sort this damn tooth once and for all.

Worse indeed… that terrible tooth it turns out, is ripe for a root canal, and my I fear the numbered days until my departure are looking increasingly daunting.

So I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best as this dream is quickly turning into something much more fraught with stress and anxiety.

As I emerge from the endodontist, my face fully numb, and as far as I can tell, lopsided and swollen, I feel panic setting in and I can sense myself going into overdrive.

The to do list is so immense, I feel that every minute of the day needs to be productive.  All of the time spent at home needs to be filled with packing and sorting and being put on hold by various electronic operators, as I cancel my utilities and newspaper subscriptions, and all the others things that make up my life here.

Each trip out of the apartment must include running at least one errand that can be checked off the list.

I actually woke up in the middle of the night feeling so nauseous I thought I might be sick, and then realized that the pressure I was experiencing in my chest, the feeling of all of my internal organs sort of expanding and pushing on my ribcage, is what intense anxiety feels like.

So while I may not feel outwardly nervous, the reality that I am soon moving to a foreign country where I do not speak the language, and my whole life is about to change has finally started to sink in.

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